Thursday, April 17, 2008

Today's This Goes to 11 Blog Review (Updated...bumped)

See bottom of post for update...

I like funny blogs. Laurie Kendrick, Ace of Spades, Six Meat Buffet, The Nose on Your Face, The Volokh Conspiracy. Considering the fact that I don't hold a Masters Degree in Creative Writing, I know you'll forgive that last sentence fragment. I'm not one of those stick-up-my ass literary snobs who think blogs aren't funny. Some of my best friends are bloggers and they excuse the fact that I have difficulty putting together a blog post without some gratuitous expletives meant to make me look intense or hip. And then being flattering. With praise. Wait, why is my grammar so crappy? If only I had gotten that Masters Degree in Creative Writing. Anyway, many of the blogs I read are written by funny bloggers. Even though I never feel so self-important as to think I'm funny even on my best day. I'm just not that stuck up.

That said, blogging is, like other writing endeavors, art. Some people like Frida Kahlo. Frida Kahlo was a hack bisexual "artist" who porked both Pablo Picasso and Trotsky. That's about all I know about art. So I assume anyone who likes Frida Kahlo is a bisexual.

I'll admit, today's review was a little too easy for me. All I did was copy word for word someone else's lame "review" and changed some words around. And used the delete and backspace keys. Since I don't have a Masters Degree in Creative Writing, this was about all I could manage. Anyway, I was hoping to find the blog Ask and Ye Shall Recieve at least worthy of an occasional read from my wireless laptop whilst taking my morning crap. I have a thing for crap, and Ask and Ye Shall Receive is certainly that (look at their tag line).

Alas, the crap's on me. And I can't get the stink from Ask and Ye Shall Receive off of me...

At least the blog design rocks! Just look at it! It looks like something any teenage meth addict in Des Moines would think is cool. Look at that picture of "death". Wow. And the colors? Red and black...very intimidating, very assertive. Pound a couple of St. Ides malt liquors and you can just feel the power of this blog presentation. And just look at all that post space. Why, you could drive a hybrid through it! I do wish there were sidebars; I just love sidebars with lots of shiny stuff to keep me interested. WHY THE HELL AREN'T THERE ANY SIDEBARS?!?! Oh wait...there's something! Cool...the sidebar material disappears behind "Death" when I scroll down. Wheeee....that's fun! And that banner is bad ass. Isn't that, like...a bible quote or something? What are they saying? Well...nothing. Not anything anyone with a brain could understand.

But it does look cool. And as any expert on blogs can tell you, that is the most important thing (are you listening Charles Johnson? You'll never get any traffic with your piece-of-crap blog design).

Now what's amusing is that "Calamity" (one of the blog's allegedly educated contributors) seems to be critical of grammatical snafus while completely ignoring her own. This despite the fact that she claims a Master's Degree in Creative Writing (see comments section). Also, I'm disappointed she didn't use a single "F-bomb" in her latest post, despite her proclivity for using them, and her participation in a blog so sophomoric that the creators thought it would be hilarious to use one in their web address. She fancies herself a writer, but you wouldn't really know that with her rambly mess of unoriginal thoughts.

Though I can't tell how often she posts because frankly I can't bear to click on any links to the archived drivel on Ask and Ye Shall Receive, "Calamity" makes the same mistake she criticizes others for: her posts are waaaaay... too...freakin'... long! By about 1,500 words! My gosh, I get the feeling she just types a mess of words, then admires them like she's contemplating submitting her "brilliance" to The New Yorker. She obviously loves her own words, but apparently cannot express that in fewer keystrokes than it takes to type the Internal Revenue Service Tax Code.

(And she brags about being concise)

I'd choose a favorite part of the blog, but truthfully...I don't like any of it. And this conflicts me because, I know any punch-drunk illiterate can do better. I don't see any potential. Absoutely none. OK, wait...maybe if we could see Calamity's tits...

Stop blogging, stat. Perhaps begin work at something that reflects a little of your personality and creativity...night clerk at a check-cashing place comes to mind. Because frankly, anyone who has a Masters Degree in Creative Writing, but can't grasp the grammatical person , clearly got her degree by sleeping with the entire English department at Newark University. But if you must, scribble your posts, ramble all you want, and then go get your juvenile co-bloggers to pat you on the back and get you off in the comments section.

Today you get a measly










because I really don't like you and you can't even figure out who "Anonymous" comments are from. Here's a clue...try the IP address, brainiac.

Update: The ever-brilliant Woman of Abomination checks in:

It seems Nigel and myself see eye to eye on the subjects of artistic pretension and academic snobbery. His love for Billy Ocean aside, I have even considered that he could possibly be one of those rare people who possesses true artistic discretion. The fact that he has wisely chosen to refrain from accusing me of being in the company of said snobs and academics warms my heart, but then perhaps he fears for his life.

I believe, (and therefore it is the undeniable truth), that an under confident artist, writer, or academic can build a fort around himself with degrees, and yet that would not make him more proficient. The man or woman who has a weak ability to instruct, enlighten, or convince often chooses instead to shock the audience with profanity, or frightening images, or he scrambles to be the most unorthodox or radical. The people we call the intellectual elite devour this kind of art, writing, and fashion. Today expertise in the arts (blogging included) is guaged by how much esoteric bullshit a man produces or critiques. If it confounds the masses, it must then be "art".


Huzzah. For the record, WOA...I do fear for my life. After our last encounter when you threatened to impale and humiliate me in front of your stable of mocking eunuchs, I have decided to tread lightly around you.

I guess I could point out if I was a blog snob that I have been linked at Michelle Malkin, Hot Air, Little Green Footballs, Ace of Spades HQ, The Radio Equalizer, The Jawa Report, Newsbusters, Six Meat Buffet, and the National Review Online. Are those blogs any good? (I ran down the first two links, but don't have time to find the rest).

Would that validate my critique of anyone else's blog? Does that qualify me to be an expert on blogging? Of course not. Each post stands on it's own merit. And most of my posts are admittedly...C R A P.

I'm OK with that. And I never critcize anyone else's efforts at blogging because this is not easy.

Well...almost never.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Amen

Freddy

love bites said...

God, this would hurt SO MUCH more if you blog wasn't a steaming pile of poo.

Gwen DeMarco said...

Nigel,
Remind me to never annoy you.
My rating of your blog:
A HaHaHa AND a HOHOHO, and a couple of Tralalas.

And you can print those awards out and put them on your mantel. Nice take-down.

Nigel said...

Hey Love Bites...y'all are the blog experts. Since I only aspired to make this blog a warm cup of pee in the first place, that brilliant analysis by you is high praise.

And thanks for taking the time to review me...and for not using 27 expletives and five flaming middle fingers as you usually do...

Gwen...sweetheart...YOU can annoy me all you want. Cuz' I'm eating those HoHo's for breakfast.

Nigel said...

Oh yeah...one more thing Love Bites...here's how this is done:

You spent all of 1 minute and 57 seconds perusing my blog to write your brilliant analysis of it.

Now how did I know that?

How's the weather down in Tallahassee?

love bites said...

Beautiful and sunny, darlin. As is generally the case. At least it isn't raining whiners and crybabies like it seems to do frequently in Houston. ;)

By the way, I enjoy expletives and flaming fingers. I don't use them nearly enough. For you, though? I'd probably just use the short bus.

keywork said...

The last time 'love' bit, I kindly asked 'love' to remove her dentures. Hello, Nigel, I just felt compelled to come over here and check it out. I'm with you, the blog looks cool. I guess. If you're into that sort of thing. Or not.

Nigel said...

Love Blows...you're back? So let me get this straight...with YOUR job you couldn't figure out who "anonymous" was?

Ask around. You have a co-worker who could probably help you out...

Keywork...welcome. I must say that when I saw your name pop up in my comment moderation section I braced myself for...well, I don't know what. I see your comments over at Laurie's site and they always make me laugh...

keywork said...

Yeah, I've been known to be rather vile, no offense taken. I only take offense to stupidity and mobs of stupid people.

love bites said...

with YOUR job you couldn't figure out who "anonymous" was

It's not that I couldn't. It's that I was not motivated to. It's a matter of caring, i guess.

Nigel said...

It's that I was not motivated to. It's a matter of caring, i guess.

And there it is. You and the other droolers over at "Ask" accused Laurie of being "Anonymous" and lit her up mercilessly (I believe the word "coward" was used)...and you didn't even confirm that it was her... even though you could have easily.

That's just mean-sprited and stupid. I believe you owe Laurie a big apology. Is one forthcoming? A big credit to you if you offer one...on your blog. I'll note it over here on my steaming pile of poo. 10 flaming middle fingers to you if you don't.

(and not in the comments section...that would be lame)

love bites said...

I'll tell you what. I will offer an apology for that. But only because you are such a popular commenter on our site these days. You're even beating GEORGE!

Nigel said...

Uh...nice try. Commenter "anonymous" was also not me. Are you going to even check, or just accuse me?

I put my blogger name (and blog link)on any comments I make at any site. Why? Because I want the traffic. Why would I comment anonymously at your site when I could simply light you guys up over here?

If you accuse me of being "anonymous", the gloves are off. Tread lightly.

love bites said...

Dammit. I thought you were.

Dude, we get far too many posters and readers to track down individual IPs.

love bites said...

There. Happy?

love bites said...

For the record, I'm a political conservative. I moderate a political discussion forum that is one of the largest online, and I've been linked by Hog on Ice, Instapundit, and others on my actual blog.

We are just smart asses. When did the Republican party collective lose its sense of humor and become a pile of dried up church ladies?

Oh wait...some of us haven't.

WomanOfAbomination said...

You need no letters after your name to cry out when the emperor has no clothes. Ahem. Now to go take a peek at this little arty blog you have so brutally chastised.

Nigel said...

Oh Love...I have a sense of humor. That review was a PARODY...

Y'all attacked my friend. Not THE REVIEW mind you...Laurie asked for one and your blog gave her one.

But the gang-rape in the comments section was unfair. And I fought back. Because I am fiercely loyal to my friends.

Sad truth is, had you not attacked Laurie in the comments section, I would probably have linked your blog and kept reading. And perhaps I still may.

We're BOTH smart-asses...

love bites said...

By the way, could you please call us sophomoric again? That totally gets my motor going. ;)

Nigel said...

I might have to...I have run out of ways to call something stupid...

I can't use "Moron" or "Moronic". Because, you see...that's a badge of honor (look in the right sidebar...I have a sidebar! Calamity should like that!)

love bites said...

Please re-read the comments. We did not attack Laurie, herself. None of us loved her blog, but we thought it was aight. Humor is like that, y'know? And it wasn't like she got a BAD review.

We didn't tell her to go fuck herself or anything.

Most of the attacks, per se, were on anonymous, who came across, quite frankly, as a bit of a pretensious ass.

And, I still stand by my critique of Laurie's blog. It would be better if she followed Cal's advice. That doesn't mean it's not good, or it doesn't have a readership. But Cal gave her some good suggestions that if she were smart...she'd take.

love bites said...

p.s. I do want to take full responsibility, however, for the collapse of civility and the downfall of western civilization. I feel that all of my hard work should not go without acknowledgement. ;) So, like, thanks for noticing.

*wipes tear*
*sniffles*

;)

Professor Booty said...

Is it imitation or sarcasm that is the highest form of flattery. Either way, color me flattered. I just wish I had annoyed you enough to get a mention. I think I will be sure to use you as an example in my next review. Will that be enough to be rewarded with your ire?

Nigel said...

Professor...

I think it's plagiarism...and since that is practically what I did...

I think we've left things on good terms...for now. The only way you can really get my ire up is to jack up one of my friends.

For the record, if you see the post below this one on the Village Voice, you'll see I did almost the EXACT same thing when they belittled Ace. Alas...they didn't really notice. Only a couple of hits from the Voice...and no comments.

Sigh...

Sue said...

Very interesting post, Nigel!

Nigel said...

Thanks Sue...have you been following the background to this?

Just saw your blog...and I can predict GREAT things for you if you continue "boob blogging"...

I'm sure my 4 readers might be VERY interested...

Sue said...

*snort laugh*

Yeah, I have followed it.

What I find bemusing:

LB: "Most of the attacks, per se, were on anonymous, who came across, quite frankly, as a bit of a pretensious ass."

That's all well and good except that they attacked 'anonymous' while still under the strong impression that she was Laurie.

Thanks for the encouragement on my blog. It seems I have finally found a niche!