Today's This Goes to 11 Blog Review (Updated...bumped)

See bottom of post for update...

I like funny blogs. Laurie Kendrick, Ace of Spades, Six Meat Buffet, The Nose on Your Face, The Volokh Conspiracy. Considering the fact that I don't hold a Masters Degree in Creative Writing, I know you'll forgive that last sentence fragment. I'm not one of those stick-up-my ass literary snobs who think blogs aren't funny. Some of my best friends are bloggers and they excuse the fact that I have difficulty putting together a blog post without some gratuitous expletives meant to make me look intense or hip. And then being flattering. With praise. Wait, why is my grammar so crappy? If only I had gotten that Masters Degree in Creative Writing. Anyway, many of the blogs I read are written by funny bloggers. Even though I never feel so self-important as to think I'm funny even on my best day. I'm just not that stuck up.

That said, blogging is, like other writing endeavors, art. Some people like Frida Kahlo. Frida Kahlo was a hack bisexual "artist" who porked both Pablo Picasso and Trotsky. That's about all I know about art. So I assume anyone who likes Frida Kahlo is a bisexual.

I'll admit, today's review was a little too easy for me. All I did was copy word for word someone else's lame "review" and changed some words around. And used the delete and backspace keys. Since I don't have a Masters Degree in Creative Writing, this was about all I could manage. Anyway, I was hoping to find the blog Ask and Ye Shall Recieve at least worthy of an occasional read from my wireless laptop whilst taking my morning crap. I have a thing for crap, and Ask and Ye Shall Receive is certainly that (look at their tag line).

Alas, the crap's on me. And I can't get the stink from Ask and Ye Shall Receive off of me...

At least the blog design rocks! Just look at it! It looks like something any teenage meth addict in Des Moines would think is cool. Look at that picture of "death". Wow. And the colors? Red and black...very intimidating, very assertive. Pound a couple of St. Ides malt liquors and you can just feel the power of this blog presentation. And just look at all that post space. Why, you could drive a hybrid through it! I do wish there were sidebars; I just love sidebars with lots of shiny stuff to keep me interested. WHY THE HELL AREN'T THERE ANY SIDEBARS?!?! Oh wait...there's something! Cool...the sidebar material disappears behind "Death" when I scroll down. Wheeee....that's fun! And that banner is bad ass. Isn't that, like...a bible quote or something? What are they saying? Well...nothing. Not anything anyone with a brain could understand.

But it does look cool. And as any expert on blogs can tell you, that is the most important thing (are you listening Charles Johnson? You'll never get any traffic with your piece-of-crap blog design).

Now what's amusing is that "Calamity" (one of the blog's allegedly educated contributors) seems to be critical of grammatical snafus while completely ignoring her own. This despite the fact that she claims a Master's Degree in Creative Writing (see comments section). Also, I'm disappointed she didn't use a single "F-bomb" in her latest post, despite her proclivity for using them, and her participation in a blog so sophomoric that the creators thought it would be hilarious to use one in their web address. She fancies herself a writer, but you wouldn't really know that with her rambly mess of unoriginal thoughts.

Though I can't tell how often she posts because frankly I can't bear to click on any links to the archived drivel on Ask and Ye Shall Receive, "Calamity" makes the same mistake she criticizes others for: her posts are waaaaay... too...freakin'... long! By about 1,500 words! My gosh, I get the feeling she just types a mess of words, then admires them like she's contemplating submitting her "brilliance" to The New Yorker. She obviously loves her own words, but apparently cannot express that in fewer keystrokes than it takes to type the Internal Revenue Service Tax Code.

(And she brags about being concise)

I'd choose a favorite part of the blog, but truthfully...I don't like any of it. And this conflicts me because, I know any punch-drunk illiterate can do better. I don't see any potential. Absoutely none. OK, wait...maybe if we could see Calamity's tits...

Stop blogging, stat. Perhaps begin work at something that reflects a little of your personality and creativity...night clerk at a check-cashing place comes to mind. Because frankly, anyone who has a Masters Degree in Creative Writing, but can't grasp the grammatical person , clearly got her degree by sleeping with the entire English department at Newark University. But if you must, scribble your posts, ramble all you want, and then go get your juvenile co-bloggers to pat you on the back and get you off in the comments section.

Today you get a measly










because I really don't like you and you can't even figure out who "Anonymous" comments are from. Here's a clue...try the IP address, brainiac.

Update: The ever-brilliant Woman of Abomination checks in:

It seems Nigel and myself see eye to eye on the subjects of artistic pretension and academic snobbery. His love for Billy Ocean aside, I have even considered that he could possibly be one of those rare people who possesses true artistic discretion. The fact that he has wisely chosen to refrain from accusing me of being in the company of said snobs and academics warms my heart, but then perhaps he fears for his life.

I believe, (and therefore it is the undeniable truth), that an under confident artist, writer, or academic can build a fort around himself with degrees, and yet that would not make him more proficient. The man or woman who has a weak ability to instruct, enlighten, or convince often chooses instead to shock the audience with profanity, or frightening images, or he scrambles to be the most unorthodox or radical. The people we call the intellectual elite devour this kind of art, writing, and fashion. Today expertise in the arts (blogging included) is guaged by how much esoteric bullshit a man produces or critiques. If it confounds the masses, it must then be "art".

Huzzah. For the record, WOA...I do fear for my life. After our last encounter when you threatened to impale and humiliate me in front of your stable of mocking eunuchs, I have decided to tread lightly around you.

I guess I could point out if I was a blog snob that I have been linked at Michelle Malkin, Hot Air, Little Green Footballs, Ace of Spades HQ, The Radio Equalizer, The Jawa Report, Newsbusters, Six Meat Buffet, and the National Review Online. Are those blogs any good? (I ran down the first two links, but don't have time to find the rest).

Would that validate my critique of anyone else's blog? Does that qualify me to be an expert on blogging? Of course not. Each post stands on it's own merit. And most of my posts are admittedly...C R A P.

I'm OK with that. And I never critcize anyone else's efforts at blogging because this is not easy.

Well...almost never.