The Scat news you've been waiting for

Uh...no. Sorry.

Headline writers across the country are having a blast with this story:

MARSHALLTOWN, Iowa - Police blame a woman named Butts for stealing toilet paper from a central Iowa courthouse, and while they're chuckling, the theft charge could put her in prison.

"She's facing potentially three years of incarceration for three rolls of toilet paper," Chief Lon Walker said, stifling a laugh as he talked to KCCI-TV about Suzanne Marie Butts. "See, I can't say it with a straight face."

Of course I'll not stoop to the level of those who would make light of this. The attorney for Ms. Butts is hoping to have this wiped clean from her record, but prosecutors say they have a huge pile of evidence against her.

Meanwhile, a London commuter saved the lives of several women by taking matter into his own hands:

A would-be murderer who defecated on trains to "purge" himself of inner voices urging him to kill has been detained indefinitely in a secure mental hospital.

Over several months Bonney Eberendu, 36, ran up a £50,000 damages bill as teams of "specialist cleaners" were forced to withdraw rolling stock from service and spend hours cleaning up after him.

A bus garage worker finally spotted him last October undressing on a double-decker, London's Southwark Crown Court heard.

Peter Zinner, prosecuting, said the defendant went on to explain that on no fewer than five occasions "he had observed women with the intention of doing a frenzied stabbing".

He added: "But he didn't carry out an act of murder because by defecating and smearing his excrement he purged himself of the urge to kill."

Had only Ms. Butts absconded to London with her booty...aw, forget it.