I wrote this resume for a friend who was concerned about the 11 year empty space in her work experience due to Mommyhood. Since the position was a part-time job for a pet sitting agency, for which she's highly overqualified, we thought it would be nice to entertain them.
Here it is.
(Yes, she got the job.)
To Whom it May Concern,
Many may wonder about the glaring empty space in my employment over the past 11 years. I have often puzzled over the question myself. What am I doing exactly? Am I competent in any pursuit outside that of my laundry room? So I decided to make a list of my current responsibilities for which I receive no pay. Let's just agree to call this little piece of prose a "resume".
Job History and Qualifications:
First of all I am what is commonly referred to as a Domestic Engineer. I handle all responsibilities associated with a home based, not- for- profit domestic social experiment (NPDSE). In this capacity, I handle all of the bookkeeping. I also manage the complaint department, in which I moderate all disputes and grievances between 2 or more parties with the goal of speedy and fair resolution. This is a job in which I am on-call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, even while on vacation (I also serve as travel agent for the NPDSE). I schedule events, fund raisers, handle ALL incoming calls, insurance claims, appointments, utilities, and mortgage payments. I have been on call when the NPDSE requires an organic gardener, nutritionist, landscaper, and/or home renovator. When these responsibilities fall outside the scope of my physical abilities, I co-ordinate and subcontract them.
I am also a home educator. I have chosen to take on the important role of schoolteacher that most reasonable people traditionally trust the local school system to fill. I prefer to bear the suffering of the ceaseless whining and lack of appreciation associated with schooling my children because although public schools may deserve such a cruel and unusual punishment, my children shouldn't have to suffer unduly while administering it. I teach Math, Reading, History, Spelling etc. We also volunteer once a week at Young Williams Animal Center to teach the children the responsibility of community service, compassion for God's creatures, and advanced poo-picking. My oldest has also volunteered at Lile's Acres, an organic vegetable and Llama farm in Maryville. She has also volunteered at a local animal hospital. I have been sure to co-ordinate physical education lessons for my daughters. My youngest is an accomplished gymnast in her level, who spends at least 10 hours per week upside down, bent in half, and otherwise risking her life for which I pay an exorbitant sum of money and time. My eldest swims about 6 hours a week, and has papered her walls with a rainbow of ribbons. I'm very proud of both of them.
Mostly I am a caretaker. When I am not being a life coach, a medic, a personal assistant, and the operator of a crisis management hotline, I am a motivational speaker. I have encouraged people to do their personal best, and make good choices. I have lectured to small unappreciative audiences in locations all over North America, in several languages.
Personal Qualifications Specific to Animal Care:
I have four dogs, three of which are rescues (as is husband). Over the course of being their keeper, I have let them outside at least one thousand and ninety five times per dog per year, except for poor little Sally who needs to be carried down the stairs every day, since she's blind deaf and lame and refuses to be a ground floor animal, and sometimes has to be carried upstairs when the lights are out. I have fed my dogs seven hundred and thirty times per year per dog, counting Scooby who thinks he's a billy goat and eats off the dinner table when we're not looking. I clip nails, brush teeth, administer medication, clean mysterious dribbles off the kitchen floor, bathe, cuddle and play with them. I could do the per-day-per-year calculations if you'd like.
I also have birds, which belong to my eldest and are her responsibility.
I have a good relationship with a friend's cat, I could include him as a reference but he's not good on the phone.
Real Life Job Experiences BC (Before Children)
In High School (88-89) worked as a veterinary technician.
Psychiatric Counselor for a crisis stabilization unit in Bartow FL.
Worked as an office manager for a neuropsychiatrist in Tampa FL.
EMT/PCA on med/surg floor and ER.
Hospital Manager for medical records company in Macon, GA.
Traveling rehab assistant for nursing homes. Occupational and physical therapy.
Received my EMT certificate in 1992, and took pre-requisite nursing courses from 1991-1993.